It was reported that using the ultra soft is worser than driving a gas guzzler, in relation to global warming. Bummer…

I don’t want to brag here (OK, I do…) but, as a child, we could choose from one of two options… toilet paper or a bottle of water. If you’re a ‘pictorial’ you’ll get the picture. Bleccch!

That’s why hand washing was of great importance (and still is, especially for all the negligents who are reading this!).

My first perplexion was the comparison between driving a gas guzzler like an SUV, and doing a wipe-out.

So now, there is a connection between Kimberley-Clark (the world’s largest tissue products manufacturer) and the big car makers. Isn’t that, interesting…

I was going to mention that, when you’re up in the bush, far away from a toilet thingie, and Nature doesn’t just call, but hollers, you’ve got to go if you’ve go to go.

Many a leaf has performed beyond its expectations at such times. But we won’t go there…

A cuppla Townie friends chided me about my article in the last issue of the terrific Rural Living, where I stated that Townies mostly caused the current economic mess. I told them that I had done extensive research before reaching this conclusion.

I hinted that another beer could seriously enhance my answer. It did. It was that hidden brain-function enzyme in the hops.

I explained that, I had approached a Rural mate and asked him, whom he thought had caused this ‘meltdown’.

He had looked up, raised an eyebrow, thought for a bit, spat away to his left, barely missing a lazing pit-bull, and, with a drawl that John Wayne would have applauded, said… ‘Well, it wasn’t me, mate!’ That’s good enough research for me too, folks. You see, although Townies can easily tell porkies, using jargonised spin, Rurals are honest and down-to-earth folks.

Well, it’s difficult, trying to hide your stuff down on the farm.

The difference is, that Rurals breed porkies… and Townies tell ‘em.

According to further analysis (gimme chocolate and I’ll research all day), two top income earners for New Zealand Inc. are, agriculture and tourism.

Rurals can enjoy both, and earn money from them, while helping grow the country. After all, who is going to give up eating, drinking and travelling, eh, eh?

So here’s the thing. Create a ‘Townie corner’ in your Rural paradise. Acquire the technology and establish your home Command Module.

Otherwise, the impression that the ‘sophisticates’ have of Rurals is, that they are, you know, ‘friendly, hard-working and a titch…simplish’. What?

Prove them wrong, dammit! Some of the greatest world achievers were born in, grew up in and continually returned to, the countryside. If all else fails, don’t send your food to market. That’ll starve ‘em out, eh? Just kidding.

Why don’t you get clever, and sign up for my powerful 3 Percenter Seminar on both days of March 24 and 31. Because you’re a loyal reader of Rural Living, my Rural Special is that two of you can attend for the price of one (NZ$350+GST). Send me an e-thingie at duitdammit@xtra.co.nz for the good oil.