Bill Potter, Bizness Maverick

OK. To be a successful Rural, you do have to have your hands in a mess 24/7. But, you can make amends for helping to cause this ‘glitch’. Yes, it is a ‘glitch’ (flaw; malfunction; setback). If you call it a ‘recession’ it involves financial-types, who caused it in the first place! Duh!

Few of them know any more than you do, about fixing it! That doesn’t stop them from bleating three orgasmic messages… (a) They didn’t see it coming. (b) It is awful and getting worser. (c) It will be around for ‘some time’. Your pet goat could have told us this b-a-a-a-a-d news, right!

These hot shots don’t know how long this ‘glitch’ will last. No more than two economists agree with the same financial criteria. So, ‘recovery’ time ranges from 18 months, to a fortnight after the world has ended.

See, nobody has taken several Kiwi circumstances into account. Please say after me, with unbridled (I am including the horses) enthusiasm…‘We live in Utopia!’ Good. Now repeat… ‘But Utopia is mostly wasted on the Utopians’. Remember that.

We have abundance of almost everything required for sustaining the ‘staying alive’ thing, cos the country is big and the population is small. For example, 61,000,000 people live in Great Britain (244,820km2) while 4.2 million Kiwis dwell around here (268,021 km2).

Um, is it true that the human body needs good bones to get around? Is it fair to say that without good teeth, malnutrition beckons? Answer this third question and win… an extra hour’s sleep when daylight saving changes. Well, our budget is small…

Drinking great milk gives you strong bones and cool teeth. Which hot little nation is the biggest dairy producer? Oh yes… it be Utopia! How many bones do 6.6 billion people own? Adults have 206 and infants start with 300-350 of these wicked supports.

Let’s use the adult total. That’s one trillion, three hundred and fifty nine billion, six hundred million of dem bones, searching anxiously for the best vitamin-rich dairy products! As the Kings of Dairy, we too have a trillion-plus ‘bailout package’ to manage.

But, we have to save the whole world! And, we haven’t even counted teeth yet. So, call in Sparkles, Ethel, Edna, Brownie, Elvie, Shyborn and Bessie… and let’s get those milking machines humming into prosperity.

I have been a milkshakeaholic since I was a child. I drank eight milkshakes in a day once. I was thirsty! Guess wot? Late last year my tests recorded that I had the bone density of a 20-year-old and, I have all muh teeth. So, let’s get milking then. We have a world to fix.

Oh, when will this ‘glitch’ straighten out? I predict about five minutes after the twits in high places, stop telling us how bad it is, what all the problems are and how much suffering we must do. I’m totally bored with the problems. Give me the solutions, dammit. That’s what they get over-paid to do.